Balancing on a tightrope

Interestingly, one of my FB friends told me yesterday that I’m always so positive and she loves reading my posts. I liked reading that, of course; I’ve worked hard to cultivate a more positive attitude than I used to have.

You might not know that if you only go by what I write here, though. See, this is where I write about my worries and what lurks in the shadows that I try to keep at bay. It doesn’t mean that either one is fake, though.

It just means that I’m doing my best to keep balancing on the tightrope between essentially life and death. Some moments are undoubtedly more difficult than others. I try very hard not to feel defeated by my disability and my husband’s cancer, even though both obviously have very significant impacts on my life.

I can’t be in the mode all the time that my husband’s going to die. If I were, I would be a complete basket case and I don’t think I’d be able to cope at all. I have to cling to the moments of normalcy when they appear. For now, fortunately, there are still quite a few. I’m sure that will change.

Similarly, with my disability, obviously I am pretty bummed out by the fact that I am no longer capable of just toughing it out and kicking ass as much as I once could. But I’m also determined to find out what my limits are, adapt to them, and not give up.

This is unquestionably the hardest period of my life so far and it’s only going to get harder. But most days, I’m still able to put on a genuine smile because I can find a silver lining to most things. Even if it’s otherwise a pretty tough day, I can still find joy in the antics of my cats or in a song or a conversation with one of my kids or an inside joke with my husband.

I often feel like I’m trying to strike the right balance between happiness and tragedy in my life. But often, which direction I go is up to me to decide. Even despite the difficulties we face, I’m adamant that I don’t ever want to be pitied. Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m trying my hardest every single day to be someone you might look at with awe and wonder about how I can still remain positive and hopeful, even in the face of some truly dire circumstances.

I firmly believe that it’s all about your focus. If you’re always focused on the miseries of your life, you’re missing the things that are also worth appreciating in this very moment.

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