For the first time in more than a decade, I was completely unaware of when Easter is this year. When I realized it was tomorrow, I had an “oh crap” moment and went out on a very lengthy search for all the treats my family likes.
I drove a total of 50 miles round-trip to all the stores that still had the things in stock that they wanted (and of course, my husband is getting the most of all.) While I did all that driving, I spent a lot of time listening to Bad Religion, only later considering the possible irony in that.
I guess you can say that I’ve now fully deconverted. I wasn’t aware of when Holy Week was and I didn’t observe Lent. In several years, I at least felt guilty that I wasn’t observing Lent.
At the same time, on my Instagram feed, I saw posts from Catholics who went to the Vigil Mass, celebrating when it was done that “Jesus is alive!” And I just felt so utterly disconnected from that. It’s not in any kind of sad way, though; it’s just irrelevant to me now.
Meanwhile, my husband seems to be trying to find his way back to his Episcopal faith. He has a lot of doubts and questions that he’ll be discussing with his priest. And I fully support him in that for many reasons.
First and foremost, his path is not the same as mine. Secondly, I am sure that thoughts of his relatively impending death give the matter a whole lot more urgency. Ever the peacemaker, he wants to make everybody happy and he knows that his family will expect a Christian funeral. But he also doesn’t want it to be of a faith that will exclude anyone (such as our transgender daughter) and he is adamant that he does not want a Baptist funeral.
So I encourage him to make peace with his Episcopal faith if possible. Yet oddly, I have no such interest, even still. Throughout the whole ordeal of his cancer, I have not viewed God as a source of comfort but rather just irrelevant.
I can’t say what my future holds and if I’ll ever consider myself Christian again. I’m open to the possibility that I might someday change and evolve over time. But as it stands right now, it seems pretty unlikely.