Relief and optimism

I really shouldn’t be feeling relief or optimism right now. J just started another round of chemo yesterday and I know he’s going to be pretty miserable again. I’m extremely empathetic about that.

For that reason, I feel somewhat guilty that I’m feeling relieved and optimistic otherwise.

But there are several reasons to feel good about things right now, in this moment. The first is that our approval for the consolidation loan finally went through and we should have the funds by tomorrow. I can’t tell you how much of a relief this is for me. I’m going to be paying less overall on the loan than for my credit cards. And in the worst-case scenario, should J die before I get them paid off, I won’t be responsible for them anymore.

I already closed two of the credit cards I had previously paid off. Once we get those funds, I’m closing all my store cards and only keeping the Visa/MasterCard/Discover, because those will at least be useful if I ever have a true emergency. (I’m pretty sure that I’m not terribly likely to ever have a clothing or makeup emergency, haha.)

Initially, my credit score may actually look worse as a result of paying off the cards, which really seems ass-backwards. Stupid credit scores. So I’ll have to rebuild it by putting regular expenses like groceries and gas on the remaining credit cards and then paying them off in full every month. That’s the one thing that I can say was good about racking up so much debt on Abilify: I learned a lot of important lessons on how to use (and not use) credit.

My youngest son found out that the university he got into (which was actually his second choice) ranks #11 in the country this year for engineering, which is his major. The school he’ll be attending actually ranks better for engineering than his first-choice school does. Engineering is a pretty solid and in-demand major, so I don’t feel as worried about his future as I sometimes do about my other kids.

I had some talks with my middle child recently about my tentative plans to possibly move to another state in the future when my husband is gone. I also talked with my husband about the fact that thinking about where I’d rather move in the future has become my coping mechanism for dealing with his cancer. Interestingly enough, he said that’s always been one of my coping mechanisms, and I realized he was right.

What am I going to do without someone who knows and understands me so well and has known me for so long?

But back to my middle son: I also realized that he is the only one of my kids who seems to share my itchy feet. He also spends a lot of time thinking about where else he’d rather be. But for neither of us, it’s not about being unhappy where we are, per se. Rather, it’s more about appreciating the value of lots of different places and not necessarily wanting to be limited to the same place forever. He and I are both nomadic spirits in that way.

Even though I know that I could just as easily end up trying to make it where I am if the kids stay here, knowing that my future even has those other possibilities is enough to keep me going. And that’s something that I really need right now. I’m far too young to be a widow. I really struggle sometimes with feeling like my life will be empty without my husband. Knowing that my future might still have some positive possibilities gives me a glimmer of hope on the distant horizon.


  1. skinnyhobbit says:

    Hang in there. The relief and optimism is good, not because other emotions are bad, but because we humans are complex and can feel multiple different emotions at once.

    “I shouldn’t feel X” doesn’t make it go away, for sure. My therapist is a fan of “you can feel X and… Y too.” especially lately as I work through multiple conflicting yet valid emotions.

    You deserve J’s love and how well he knows you. You and him have done a great job with your children as well. ❤

    While I’m not married to my fiancé yet thanks to this pandemic, and we’re decades younger, we have a similar love and it is truly a blessing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holly says:

      Thank you. ❤️ I know you’re right about conflicting emotions not being a bad thing. I guess it’s good that I can still find reasons for hope even during such a dark and uncertain time.

      Thank you also for reminding me that I deserve J’s love. Sometimes I feel like I don’t, just because it seems to be so rare. And thank you for saying we’ve done a good job with our children. 🥰

      I’m so happy to hear that you and your fiancé have a similar love. I wish you many happy years together and hopefully a happier ending than we’ll have. Still, I feel grateful and lucky to have had him in my life for as long as I have. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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