I really shouldn’t be feeling relief or optimism right now. J just started another round of chemo yesterday and I know he’s going to be pretty miserable again. I’m extremely empathetic about that.
For that reason, I feel somewhat guilty that I’m feeling relieved and optimistic otherwise.
But there are several reasons to feel good about things right now, in this moment. The first is that our approval for the consolidation loan finally went through and we should have the funds by tomorrow. I can’t tell you how much of a relief this is for me. I’m going to be paying less overall on the loan than for my credit cards. And in the worst-case scenario, should J die before I get them paid off, I won’t be responsible for them anymore.
I already closed two of the credit cards I had previously paid off. Once we get those funds, I’m closing all my store cards and only keeping the Visa/MasterCard/Discover, because those will at least be useful if I ever have a true emergency. (I’m pretty sure that I’m not terribly likely to ever have a clothing or makeup emergency, haha.)
Initially, my credit score may actually look worse as a result of paying off the cards, which really seems ass-backwards. Stupid credit scores. So I’ll have to rebuild it by putting regular expenses like groceries and gas on the remaining credit cards and then paying them off in full every month. That’s the one thing that I can say was good about racking up so much debt on Abilify: I learned a lot of important lessons on how to use (and not use) credit.
My youngest son found out that the university he got into (which was actually his second choice) ranks #11 in the country this year for engineering, which is his major. The school he’ll be attending actually ranks better for engineering than his first-choice school does. Engineering is a pretty solid and in-demand major, so I don’t feel as worried about his future as I sometimes do about my other kids.
I had some talks with my middle child recently about my tentative plans to possibly move to another state in the future when my husband is gone. I also talked with my husband about the fact that thinking about where I’d rather move in the future has become my coping mechanism for dealing with his cancer. Interestingly enough, he said that’s always been one of my coping mechanisms, and I realized he was right.
What am I going to do without someone who knows and understands me so well and has known me for so long?
But back to my middle son: I also realized that he is the only one of my kids who seems to share my itchy feet. He also spends a lot of time thinking about where else he’d rather be. But for neither of us, it’s not about being unhappy where we are, per se. Rather, it’s more about appreciating the value of lots of different places and not necessarily wanting to be limited to the same place forever. He and I are both nomadic spirits in that way.
Even though I know that I could just as easily end up trying to make it where I am if the kids stay here, knowing that my future even has those other possibilities is enough to keep me going. And that’s something that I really need right now. I’m far too young to be a widow. I really struggle sometimes with feeling like my life will be empty without my husband. Knowing that my future might still have some positive possibilities gives me a glimmer of hope on the distant horizon.