I finally got all my technical issues sorted out with my job today. For now, I’m proceeding ahead but I’m really taking it day by day. It doesn’t seem like the company has their shit together at all and that feels like a really bad sign.
I also don’t think I’ll be able to know by the end of my 9-month disability trial if it’s the kind of job where I’m likely to be promoted to better pay or not, though I suppose it’s possible. So far I love everything about the Apple products we support but the actual company I’m working with to support the Apple products is a lot less awesome. Really, it just makes me wish I were directly employed by Apple instead.
J starts chemo again the day after tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it (though certainly he feels that way much more strongly than I do.) It’s so hard to watch him suffer through the chemo side effects.
Today, after we were both done with work, we just lay together on the bed under a blanket, our hands entwined. There was just something so sweet about it. But of course, it also made me cry, as I just thought about everything. Like how unfair it is that he has to suffer so much. And how unbearably sad I am that our days of being able to do such things are limited.
I asked him while we were lying there if, when he gets to the other side and we become ghosts, he would haunt me, because I want him to. He said he didn’t think it really worked that way. I don’t think it does, either, but I definitely hope his spirit will still be around and hopefully will give me signs from time to time, letting me know that he’s still there.
I noticed that when I cry now, he doesn’t try to stop me like he once did. Before, when I would cry, he’d say, “I’m not dead yet.” He doesn’t say that anymore.
I can’t really tell if we’re just spooked by the recurrence or if something really is different now. To me, it feels like something’s different, like the happy and healthy times are gone forever. But I don’t know if that’s an intuition or just something pessimistic that my brain has convinced itself of.
I’m just really sad, profoundly so. It’s hit me with quite a bit of finality that he’s going to die from this and I just wish there was some giant “undo” button that I could press. I want to keep him here with me forever.