First day recap

A disclaimer before I start writing: I’m insanely tired and I’m trying to go to bed 4 to 6 hours earlier than usual. I know the tiredness is probably unfairly negatively affecting my perspective.

But today was incredibly rough and the fact that I started out the day exhausted really didn’t help. I spent the first 45 minutes of my day unable to join the online training group because somehow I didn’t get the right login credentials and had to wait for someone in IT to call me. During those 45 minutes, I thought “fuck this, I’m out” at least 87 times.

Maybe that degree of impatience was an overreaction? Perhaps. But it was not the only snafu requiring IT intervention that happened to me today. At the day’s end, I was waiting on IT yet again to fix my login credentials with yet another program that wouldn’t let me log in, and I couldn’t progress any further because of it.

Part of what I did actually get to do today was review the benefits program I’ll be eligible for in 60 or 90 days (I can’t remember which.) For just me and the kids, assuming J’s no longer around, the premiums would equal 25% of my take-home pay with a $9,000 family deductible. To say nothing of the fact that trying to survive on 75% of my take-home pay would be literally impossible.

It definitely looks like disability is actually more sustainable but that’s a poverty trap and of course offers no health insurance for the kids.

This is a job for a single person with no dependents or a spouse with a job (which I currently have but obviously won’t always) or someone in a low cost of living area. This is most definitely not a job which will allow you to support a family in a city.

And I just feel SO defeated already. Maybe if I stick with it and am a stellar employee, they would move me into a better, higher-paying position. But there’s likely no way I’ll know that before my 9-month “disability work trial” is up.

What makes me feel so defeated are two things: my sleep schedule and my inability to get a decently-paying job with affordable benefits that would allow me to support myself and the kids. I won’t indulge myself in going down that rabbit hole of thinking about all my mistakes that have led me here because that would be both miserable to read and wouldn’t help me anyway.

I’m trying to think of ways that I can make this work and be able to survive on my own on this kind of income. I suppose I could move out of the city, just pick a random small town somewhere (not in Texas because I hate Texas outside of the big cities and suburbs) and get a rural loan for low-income buyers to buy a house. I generally hate rural areas but it would be affordable on an income like this and this is a job that can be done from anywhere.

I can stay in the city and not carry the kids on my health insurance until they’re 26, as the law allows. That would screw them over, though, and I don’t want to do that.

I can continue doing this job and gain more work experience and then I might have a better chance of getting hired for some of the much better-paying jobs I’ve seen.

I know I don’t have to decide today and I can still use my earnings to help pay down debt. I don’t have to keep doing this until I disqualify myself from disability. But I think it’s pretty damn clear that this job, as it currently stands, is not going to be my Plan B for how to take care of myself without my husband.

I even exceeded my calories (by a lot) on my weight-loss program because my husband was sweet and brought me my favorite drink from Starbucks today because he knew I was tired. But now I feel defeated on the weight-loss goal, too.

I felt so proud of myself that we’ve managed to save up a little more than three months’ rent but then I found out yesterday that the cost of cremation for my husband is about equal to what we have saved, so I’m essentially back at square one with trying to have a couple months’ rent in savings. Plus I need to have a dental bridge replaced and pay to get the younger two boys’ wisdom teeth removed this year and all of those expenses combined are about $4500. I went from feeling like a baller to feeling like I’m behind the 8-ball.

I also feel defeated in the goal of trying to pay down debt. I had one credit card that I was only using about 35% of the limit (which is good), so they lowered my available credit limit so I was then using 97% of the available amount. I paid it down more and they lowered my limit again, once again showing me at using 97% of my availability. I seriously feel like I can’t win: with the job, the weight loss, the debt repayment. It all feels like my efforts are leading to the opposite of progress.

I just feel so defeated in general and so tired. I do not feel like I kick ass at all like I hoped I would. But tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better and please God don’t let me run into so many stupid roadblocks requiring me to wait for IT help again.