I’m a bundle of nerves because I start my new job tomorrow. It will be a bit shorter than a full day of work and doesn’t start until the afternoon.
Next week, I start training. The hours for training are 9am-6pm. It probably sounds shallow and stupid but I’m worried that my weight loss efforts will stall while I’m in training because I probably won’t get enough sleep.
I woke up at 9:30am yesterday to complete something for work and it showed that I had gained a pound. I went back to sleep for a few hours after doing that work and by then I had lost the extra pound. See? I told you it was shallow and stupid. I’m seeing already the resurgence of the weight obsession I had as a teenager, when I kept my weight low by starving. It is actually a thing that poor or inadequate sleep can block weight loss.
But my anxiety is about more than weight loss. Really, the weight loss is only a distraction. I’m anxious about working again for several reasons.
For one thing, I haven’t worked full-time in three years and the last time I tried it, I bombed out quickly. Within six weeks, my body just said nope. I’m afraid of that happening again.
The other thing I’m afraid of is that I won’t bomb out and will in the process lose my disability. Then what if something happens with the job? What if I get fired because it’s a tech support job and I can’t learn the technology?
I know that’s a risk that most people face, especially here in Texas, where workers basically have no rights. Maybe it’s my past coming back to haunt me (like the way-old past, when I was in my twenties) when I would quit jobs on a dime without another one lined up. At the time, I was unconscious of the fact that I was showing my husband that he couldn’t count on me to help with the bills and I regret that a lot. I was beyond lucky that he always had my back.
But now I’m thinking about the fact that I’m going to have to be capable of taking care of myself financially and that means there’s no out. And it’s not that I want to have an out; it’s more that eventually I won’t have a safety net if I get laid off or fired. Suddenly, I have the tiniest inkling of the stress my husband has lived with all these years. Knowing that my very survival depends on whether or not I can keep a job is honestly kinda terrifying.
I have to slow my thoughts down and stop being so all-or-nothing about this. Social Security calls this a trial of work. I don’t have to commit to working at this exact job for the rest of my life. I just need to try to breathe and take this one step at a time.