Hard work and hope

I’m in the process of dramatically changing my life for the better and it’s all through hard work and it all gives me a lot of hope.

I got my computer equipment today to start my new job soon. Assuming that I can actually do it, I’m thinking about all the money I’m about to make. In addition to the earnings from the job, I’ll also have my disability payments for 9 months, as well as my freelance earnings.

All told, I’m going to have several thousand dollars every month coming in. Yes, it’s going to be extremely hard work. Doing my freelancing work in addition to the full-time job will very likely kick my ass. My middle son volunteered to take over washing the dishes for me since, as he put it, “you’ll be working two jobs now.” (He rarely volunteers for chores but will do them when asked.)

But all I can think about is that money and it really motivates me. I can get my debt paid off before my disability runs out and then I can really beef up the amount I have in savings. I’ve never really had this kind of opportunity before.

On another note, I’m also making a very serious effort to lose weight for the first time. I have to lose 65 pounds to be at a healthy weight for my height. I admit that I find that intimidating because it seems like so much. But I’ve only been making the effort since last Wednesday and I’ve already lost two pounds—a healthy, sustainable pace.

I admit that I’ve spent many years in a sort of fantasy land regarding my weight and what it would take to lose it. I really thought that somehow, magically, I would just lose massive amounts of weight without having to work hard for it. (The fact that I’ve known a couple of people who had that kind of magical, effortless weight loss only further contributed to my belief that this could happen for me, too.)

I’ll be honest that I expected my magical weight loss to happen after my husband dies. I’m not an emotional eater at all, so this seemed plausible. But suddenly, I just decided that I wanted to take matters into my own hands now.

I’m tired of knowing that my weight puts me at greater risk of severe Covid complications (and in fact, it was the main reason that I was eligible to get vaccinated already.) I’m tired of looking frumpy. I’m tired of knowing that my weight is in itself a risk factor for all kinds of things. I’m tired of there being a subtle bias against me because of my weight.

In truth, I don’t have a lot of weight-related illnesses, but my recent diagnosis with mild sleep apnea is most likely due to my weight. I haven’t been able to get used to using the CPAP machine that was prescribed to treat my sleep apnea and I’m sure I’ll be able to sleep better if I lose weight. And maybe, if I don’t weigh as much, I might be able to wear heels again someday (though it’s unknown how much of a role my neurological illness plays in that.)

In all honesty, I just didn’t really believe that trying to lose weight would work. I can’t express my actual surprise when I got on the scale after a couple days and saw the numbers going down, just like they were supposed to. For some reason, I didn’t think it would work. I thought I was some exception to the weight loss rules.

It’s going to be a very long process to get down to my goal weight, for sure. I wish I were losing it so rapidly that I already fit into smaller sizes, even though that’s not healthy or sustainable. But this time, I’m really committed to it. I know that (barring unforeseen circumstances, which seems to be the majority of my life lately) I’ll reach my goal weight by about Thanksgiving. It will be hard but it would also be hard to give up and still be my current weight by then.

It’s not even about thinking there’s anything wrong with being my current weight, really. My husband always says I’m beautiful and the number on the scale doesn’t matter. For the most part, his messages have sunk in.

I think that more than anything, I just want to prove that I can really work hard for something and achieve it, especially something that previously felt impossible (which weight loss definitely did.) So maybe I won’t get that miraculous, effortless weight loss without any effort on my part. So I’ll work hard for it and get to be proud of my accomplishment instead.

1 Comment

  1. Weight seems to be such a genetic lottery thing. Fatphobia in medicine sucks. Larger people with eating disorders get routinely failed due to this.

    I lose weight effortlessly and unintentionally, and me being underweight actually made my surgery risk higher. Plus due to the medications I’m on and my lack of exercise, I’m underweight yet with borderline high cholesterol and all that at a young age. So my challenge will be to regain weight in a healthy manner, instead of listening to all the people saying I should just eat tons of sweets.

    It’s prudent of you to lose weight slowly instead of going onto crash diets. The changes have to be sustainable if they are to stay.

    Liked by 1 person

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