Lately, I’ve started to miss my former best friend again. I don’t really know why, either; maybe it was just the length of our history together.
I know that I’m missing her because I feel vulnerable and scared in general. But the truth is that she was never very reliable in those moments. In fact, the scarier the things were that I was going through, the more likely she was to abandon me altogether.
She didn’t treat me very well, either, at least not as kindly as she claimed to treat her other friends.
In truth, she said a lot of things to me that will be hard for me to forget, even if I could forgive. But that doesn’t really matter anyway. She has never once contacted me after one of our big blowup fights, asking for forgiveness as and wanting to try again. That was always my job and this time I won’t.
She usually didn’t treat me like she liked me very much anyway. So why do I still miss her? I guess it’s just because of some naive hope that she’s learned how to be supportive when I need her (maybe a reflection of my longing that my mom can be emotionally supportive for me?)
I haven’t forgotten about all the stress and drama she brought to my life, either. Unless she’s been in a lot of therapy and worked on emotional regulation and self-awareness, I can only assume it would be more of the same as it was before. I can’t really afford that kind of stress.
I could really use a friend right now, especially one who knows my history. But she often made snarky remarks about my marriage (probably out of jealousy), so she probably wouldn’t be able to be supportive as I’m facing the future loss of the one who is my everything.
But still, I can’t help wishing things were different. I could really use another friend right about now. Since that’s unlikely to happen, I guess I just have to comfort myself with self-protection and boundaries and hope they’ll somehow act as a substitute for having a real friend, one who knows how to stay loyal to me and work through disagreements without blowing up on me and ending things over them. It really sucks.