Yesterday I wrote that I just needed something to change for the better and today it did… and in other ways, it didn’t.
I got offered a job today doing tech support for Apple through a different company than the one that was potentially going to offer me a similar job. The difference is that this company was ready to move more quickly and I’ve already signed an offer acceptance letter.
I feel pretty confident that I can do this job, even despite my disability. I’ll have training Monday through Friday from 9a-6p, which will be brutal for me. But once I’m through that, my shift will be some time between noon-10pm. Even better, I got to choose one guaranteed day off each week and I chose Saturday so I can spend it with J.
But (and here’s where I have to let out a big exhale): it also makes me sad because now I’ll be able to take care of myself. I can probably even afford to stay in my current house until the kids are all ready to move out, especially if the kids pitch in a little (which would still be far cheaper than moving out on their own for now.)
When I told J I was offered the job, he said that he felt relieved because it meant I’d be able to take care of myself in his absence.
But then we also had kind of a reality check today because he visited the surgeon who performed his ostomy reversal today (since the surgery site is still infected.) The surgeon mentioned that J still has cancerous lesions in his bowel but the cancer is not currently active.
That was a serious wake-up call for both of us. I at least was under the impression that he had no cancer anywhere (and I think he was under the same impression.) But knowing that he still has lesions that just aren’t active at this time makes it a lot riskier for him not to be on chemo. He will most likely be starting chemo again as soon as he heals from this surgery.
I don’t think I can type this without crying—nope, the tears have already started—but we were talking about all this last night before he went to bed and he said that he’s made peace with everything and he’s had a good life.
And in that moment, and in light of the events of the day, it just hit me with such finality that I’m most likely really going to lose him. It’s not like those thoughts were exactly new to me per se, but some part of my brain still believed it wouldn’t really happen. Realistically, though, it probably will. I don’t think I’m likely to get the miracle I’ve hoped and prayed for (weak and vaguely directed though the prayers may have been.)
I’ve got a path forward and I’m probably going to be okay, at least as okay as I can be. I’ve been loved so well by him and I think it’s been a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. For however much time he has left, I have to try to make sure he feels that loved by me too.