It’s getting tiresome to keep writing about how anxious I am. But unfortunately, that’s about all I can write.
My husband and I both got our second doses of the Covid vaccine on Friday and spent all day Saturday sleeping it off and dealing with vaccine-related fevers. I really hope the vaccine will protect us because if it was any indication of what it would be like to actually get Covid, it would indeed be pretty miserable.
I’ve been wearing myself pretty thin lately and my husband actually washed the dishes for me last night. I was so grateful for the help, especially because I know how many “spoons” that uses up for him.
He goes in to see the doctor tomorrow and that’s a good thing, as the infection in his surgical wound seems to be getting worse after a week on antibiotics. I hope that this time, they’ll prescribe something stronger and he can start recovering for real this time.
I’ve been stuck in this loop ever since his surgery, followed by the week-long snowpocalypse, in which I just feel this constant state of dread. The fact that his recovery is so tough (and now with the infection) seems to only be reinforcing that dread.
At this point, it feels almost hard to remember what it was like when he felt well and was fully functional. Meanwhile, I keep feeling like this is the beginning of the end, and I am so completely not okay and not ready for it.
All my self-soothing strategies for anxiety just aren’t working anymore. I’m afraid that he’s going to die and that so am I. At this point, I don’t think it’s due to the Abilify withdrawals anymore. This is just my own shitty brain chemistry that’s unable to prop me up during a prolonged period of stress.
I just need something to turn around so I can see the good again and feel like my future still has lots of good things on the horizon. Right now, things look pretty bleak. But someday, it has to look bright again, right?