Moving forward hesitantly

I opted not to take that one job that I read so many negative reviews about. Fortunately, it coincided with our weather disaster and I legitimately couldn’t get the necessary equipment in time, so I “postponed” my start date.

Now it looks likely that I’ll have a different job doing tech support for Apple, which is a pretty good fit for me. The training is 9am-5pm for a month, which will be absolutely brutal for me, but after that I’ll go to a later shift that will work much better for me.

I don’t have any doubts that I’m capable of having a full-time job, which I guess is a good thing. And hopefully, by starting now, I’ll get enough experience that I can earn more in the future because it would still be a pretty lean existence to support myself on these wages.

I’ve realized that I have some mixed feelings about starting a full-time job, though. Mainly, it comes down to the fact that it seems to make it more real that my husband’s not always going to be around, and that makes me so profoundly sad.

It’s not like having a job or not changes the outcome for him; he’ll either make it or he won’t, regardless of whether or not I’m working. But getting a job is just one more reminder that makes me more aware that I have to start preparing to be able to take care of myself.

His recovery from the ostomy reversal has so far been much more difficult than either of us were expecting. I’ve had to take over a lot of the things he used to do, like changing out the cat litter. And it’s been fine; I can manage these things perfectly well on my own.

But the fact that I have to take over things he used to be able to do and can’t now feels like it’s preparing me for having to do everything by myself someday. I can’t help but feel just profoundly sad and lonely already.

I hope that as he recovers more from his surgery, life will go back to normal again (and I don’t mean in terms of what he can do around the house.) He’s been a lot more tired since the surgery and things have just felt “off” between us.

I hope that on the other side of this, things will go back to normal between us and we’ll just have the benefit of my income to help us achieve some goals more quickly while he’s still around. I know a lot of my reaction is due to my own depression but part of me wonders if it ever will feel normal again, or if I’m just beginning the transition to prepare me for the end. And because I really don’t want that end to come, a big part of me wants to delay it…like maybe if I don’t get a job, I won’t have to ever live without him.

1 Comment

  1. Your fears make sense given the uncertainty and all that it triggers for you.

    Regarding the tech support job, it definitely could be your foot into a better paid career down the line. I hope you get it and have many more happy and healthy years for you and your H.

    Liked by 1 person

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