Coming out of anxiety

It’s been a tough couple of weeks. My husband had surgery last week and this week my city and state have had catastrophic weather all week.

I am so incredibly grateful that we didn’t lose power or running water because so many people did. Honestly, just knowing it was a possibility had me on edge all week. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if we had lost power or water. I think that I seriously would have lost my shit.

I decided to weasel my way out of that job by saying that I couldn’t get all the equipment I’d need by Monday. This is actually true: I need a second monitor and ordered one last week, and due to the weather events, it hasn’t been able to be delivered yet. I can reapply in 30 days if I still want the job but I’m pretty sure that I don’t.

This whole week has just been very strange and surreal. Honestly, I’m more seriously considering trying to move out of Texas at some point, just because the way this weather disaster was handled was totally preventable. But the state is insistent on having its own deregulated power grid, which they don’t maintain. Extreme weather events like this one are only more likely to happen in the future because of climate change (which the state politicians don’t acknowledge as a reality.)

I’m just trying to picture myself older and living alone, and it’s just too easy to see myself really struggling in the case of power and water outages. I want to be in a place where I can take care of myself and I’ve lost a lot of faith that Texas is that place. Where else I’d go, though, I have no idea yet.

With my husband recovering from surgery and with the extra paranoia that I’ve been feeling (which I believe is caused by the Abilify withdrawal still), I’ve been thinking more about his death and what life is going to be like without him. And honestly, that’s just too awful and lonely to think about, so I try to push those thoughts away.

I have no signs that he’s going to die anytime soon. The five-year survival rates are indeed grim but I really believe he’ll beat the odds.

Meanwhile, I’m continuing to look for work-at-home jobs, and I figure it’s only a matter of time until I get one. That will make me more able to take care of myself financially whenever the day comes when my husband can’t be here anymore.

Life feels like it’s slowly returning to “normal,” whatever that is. The weird disruptions caused by the storm are almost over for us. My husband will hopefully be back to full health again soon. All things will work out in their own way, in their own time. I just have to stop catastrophizing about the future that isn’t here yet.

3 Comments

    1. Thanks! I do some work on Upwork, but not enough to equal a full-time wage.

      And thanks for the wishes if I move to a different state. I’m in no rush, so I’ll have time to do some research to make sure it’s better. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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