I know for sure that I’m a lot more anxious right now, between the effects of getting off Abilify, the week of dangerously cold weather we’re having, my husband just having surgery, etc.
But I truly can’t tell if what I’m experiencing right now is “just anxiety” or if I just got a long-overdue reality check.
I was reading a thread on Reddit about the number of people who are living in their cars and how that number is increasing. And the thought suddenly occurred to me: how do I know that won’t be me when my husband is gone?
What if my extreme tiredness this week isn’t because of getting off the Abilify, and what if it’s a state that’s going to continue? Right now I don’t feel like I would be capable of taking care of myself financially. Any of the big ideas I’ve had before about starting businesses are completely overwhelming right now.
I realized that there’s actually a very thin line separating me from homelessness. I still have both my adult kids living at home, too, so I might be responsible for supporting all of us on a poverty level income.
Please tell me that it’s not always going to be like this. That he’ll be around long enough for us to build a substantial savings, that the kids will become independent, that I’ll always have a roof over my head. My “worst case scenario” thinking has spiraled completely out of control. I just want to feel normal and capable again.