The edge of the unknown

I’m feeling increasingly anxious about starting my new job next week.

I can’t help but think about the ways that it will change my schedule—and my free time, in particular.

I’ve been really fortunate in that I’ve gotten to set my own schedule for most of the past five years. I could sleep whenever I wanted to (and now that the effects of quitting Abilify are hitting me with full force, that’s been a lot.) I could schedule doctor and dentist appointments whenever I wanted as well. In truth, I’ve been pretty spoiled by my unscheduled life, and I’m very nervous about having to follow more of a set daily schedule again.

A big part of me wants to back out of it and say that I’ll just get a job later, when it’s more necessary. After all, we can survive just fine with my husband’s job, my disability, and my freelance income. If I could get a job now, I’m sure I could later, too.

But I have to remember all the reasons that I want to do this, and the biggest reason of all is that my “live by my own schedule” lifestyle is not sustainable in the long term. I won’t be able to support myself on just disability and freelance income if and when my husband’s not around anymore.

The extra income in the interim will also help to pay off debts faster and accumulate savings more quickly, both of which would be helpful and necessary if he’s not here.

I’ve been really pretty lazy without having an official job that I had to do at set hours. I guess it’s understandable that I don’t want that to end. I just hope that I can adjust to the work life again more easily than it seems now.

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