Notes from a pandemic, 10 months in

God, am I tired. Quite literally, too, though I don’t know how much of it is physical and how much is “just” depression.

The weight of the past 18 (?) months since my husband was diagnosed with cancer, which I was trying with such strength to deal with, is now inescapable.

But what does that have to do with the pandemic? It involves a lot of factors but most importantly, I feel like we’re both caught in this horrible stage of waiting for death, yet not knowing when it’s actually coming.

Granted, I don’t know if he feels that way, but I feel like the pandemic means that either or both of us could die at any moment. And I don’t really know how to cope with that.

I’ve made plans to get our finances under control, to save significant amounts of money and pay down the debt I’ve accumulated. That assumes that we’ll both make it through the next two years. I don’t actually feel assured of that but I have to plan as though I do or else I would just keep digging myself into a deeper hole by blowing all my money.

Having a plan for the future seems like it should make me feel better but it doesn’t. That’s because a future is only presumptive, far less certain than it seemed before my husband got cancer or before the pandemic started. Suddenly I don’t feel certain about anything anymore and that has rocked me to my core.

I don’t know if this is normal and other people are also feeling this way or if my state is just the reaction of someone with fairly severe anxiety to a life-changing diagnosis of a spouse with cancer. All I know is that I’m not coping very well at all and I don’t know how to get out of this state.

I try to put on a face like everything is normal because that’s what people want to see. And lord knows I don’t want to be one of those people who’s always caught up in complaining. But I have a lot of legitimate reasons to be afraid: of the pandemic, of my husband’s health, of my own health, of being an impoverished widow. It’s hard to look at the future with hope when there are so many things that could go the worst possible way.

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