Taking steps

As I’ve mentioned before—I think maybe even in my last post—I struggle with following through on my goals. So when I decided to start three new businesses at once, I knew I was biting off a lot.

But this time, I have some real determination on my side, and I’ve worked on each of the three. My most ambitious business venture is also the least comfortable: starting an online clothing store.

So far, I’ve located my suppliers, chosen a store name, got the shell of a website put up, and started populating it with products. It involves so much more data entry than I ever imagined, haha. The data entry and copywriting is by far the most time-consuming part of the process.

But now, even as I’m getting measurable work done towards my goals, I’m fighting waves of “just fuck it all” and my inner voice is shouting at me that I’m just going to fail anyway.

There are so many reasons to be afraid of failure. And yet, there’s a tiny chance that I won’t fail, and that keeps me going. I dream of what I could do if I succeed. Maybe I won’t have to be in poverty when my husband dies. Maybe we could afford to do some of the things we’d like to do while he’s still around, like get out of the suburbs and move to a condo in a cool city neighborhood.

Of course, we can still do those things in a couple years, once the kids move out. If we were to rent rather than buy a condo, we could do it for the same price that we pay to rent our house now. There’s really no pressure on me, on whether I fail or succeed. In a large way, that helps.

But at the same time, I feel a sense of urgency that’s propelling me to work harder and faster. I don’t know what’s causing that feeling of urgency; I could say it’s my husband’s health, but he’s really doing pretty well now. Maybe it’s just because I feel like I’ve figured out what I want to do and I just don’t want to wait any longer.

Now if I can only keep my momentum moving stronger than my internal voices warning of failure.

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