What I’ve been doing

I hadn’t realized that it had been so long since I last posted here. Yikes.

The long story short, I’ve been a mess of anxiety, which I try to bury below the surface and ignore by online shopping.

The way this country is absolutely fucking up its response to the Covid pandemic—and my state of residence in particular—has me so anxious that I am doing great only in the sense that I’m not curled up in a fetal position right now.

I’m worried that my husband will die, which is itself ironic because he got the latest results of his CT scan and it still shows no evidence of disease. I found an online calculator from MD Anderson (top cancer hospital) that shows that if he makes it through this year without a recurrence, his chances of having one go down significantly every year. Already he has better than 60 percent odds that he’ll make it, which is great. But if he dies because of Covid, then all the good cancer news in the world won’t matter anymore.

I’m also worried about myself. Try as I might to ignore it, I do still have MS and that makes me high-risk as well. I could die from Covid myself, which makes me start thinking about my own mortality. What have I accomplished with my life, other than raising three great kids to adulthood? Sure, they would be able to be self-sufficient without me because I’ve worked hard to give them those skills. But I can’t make any kind of peace with being gone.

I wish I could believe that when I die, I’ll go to heaven to be with Jesus. But I’ve been pretty areligious for a year and a half and that only seems to be more true as time goes on, so I don’t see that changing.

I also haven’t seen my therapist in almost four weeks and canceled the last appointment with her. I already know what she’d say if I were to see her. She’d try to guide me toward more productive ways of dealing with my fear other than with online shopping.

But increasingly, I don’t want to be taught how to solve my own problems. I already have the tools she taught me, which may be a sign that my relationship with her as a therapist has come to a natural end. Instead, I want someone who will help me understand my fear and why I’m essentially self-sabotaging as a coping mechanism.

There are so many problems in this country right now. I’ll vote otherwise but I fear that Trump will be re-elected. I have so little faith in him to do the right things. It’s been rather disillusioning to discover that so many of my fellow humans are not good, as I believed. I want to believe we’re all part of one human family and are all essentially good, but we’re not.

So if you don’t mind me, I’m going to sign off and go check on the order status of my most recent orders (yes, plural.) It’s the only way I know how to cope right now.

8 Comments

  1. Looks like you’re after depth therapy (not so common these days with managed care…) with some psychodynamic elements to get to”the root” of things.

    Personally while solution focused, coping skill oriented stuff has its place, I feel it does little to permanently change entrenched patterns or significant beliefs.

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    1. I think that you’re right about solution-focused therapy being of little long-term value. My therapist is a very big believer in it as a practice and I have seen some positive changes in myself as a result. But I haven’t been able to change my patterns on some of the big things I’ve been trying to change and I don’t know why.

      I’d like to look for someone else (as exhausting as that sounds) but I can’t see anyone until we’ve met the out-of-pocket maximum on our insurance, which is exorbitantly high.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hugs. I hope something works out. It really sucks to have to meet high out of pocket maximums. Another thing about the USA healthcare system which isn’t great.

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  2. Holly, I can relate to this post so much! I absolutely love the way you explained what our country is going through now. I could not have said it better! This country has been on a rapid downfall and COVID and Trump are only helping it along.I am of course, very anti Trump. I think the way he behaves is horrible and I only hope he doesn’t get reelected. He has screwed everything up and I do not think our country can survive another 4 years of his immature bullshit. I think Trump is anti America and pro himself. If he had acted sooner, maybe some of the many lives lost could have been saved. You and I are in the same situation, with weak immune systems because of MS. I do my best to not leave the house. I am even working from home now. I order grocery and have them delivered and disinfect everything before putting it away. Trump wanted to call other countries a shit hole, but he is making the United States below any and every other country. I can promise, if he gets reelected, my husband and I will move to Canada. My mother still supports Trump and now she lives in TX. Her and I can hardly talk anymore, but there is a lot more involved with that situation. Take care and do your best to stay safe from the evil virus.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Alyssa, I completely understand! The country was already on a downward slide and Trump has damaged our reputation with the world so much. Of course, he doesn’t care about that, but some of us who live here certainly do. The way he’s handled COVID is not only the worst in the world, but it’s cost more American lives than many wars combined and he just doesn’t seem to care. I real hope and pray he will be voted out because I can’t imagine the damage he’ll do with four more years. 😦 It’s already scary enough. I wish we could move to Canada but we’re stuck here. I’m sorry to hear that I’m addition to all the ways in which your mother is being horrible, she’s also a Trump supporter. That must be really tough. Thankfully my parents are as anti-Trump as I am, but my mother-in-law thinks Trump is God’s anointed one. She doesn’t talk to me anymore because I don’t support Trump…just another example of how he’s dividing not only the country but even family members too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is horrible the way Trump behaves. He has made this country vulnerable to attacks and I am expecting one to happen. I hate that he calls COVID the Chinese virus and so does my mother. My mother and I haven’t spoken in a few months, but we did last night. It was not pretty. I bashed Trump and his cult followers and she got mad. I asked her if I die because of this virus, will you still support him? She said no she wouldn’t. So apparently it takes me dying for her to not support the orange idiot! My husband and I have already agreed, if Trump is somehow reelected, we are moving to Canada. Our country will not survive another 4 years of him. I hate to say this, but I think it is true, all the people the still support Trump do so because they are racist.

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      2. Sorry for late reply to this but I think you’re so right! I do not think this country can survive four more years of him. If you’ve ever watched or read The Handmaid’s Tale, he’s trying to turn this country into Gilead. I just read recently about how he’s training citizens to be armed ICE agents! OMG! Also it’s very sad and disgusting that it would take your death to turn your mom against him. Then again my MIL is so brainwashed about him that I’m not sure that it would change her mind if her son died. She would just say it was unrelated. 😦 We’d love to move to Canada too but we’ve looked into it and the cost for a family of 5 is $25,000 or six months’ living expenses. We just don’t have that kind of money so I hope things turn around soon.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. No worries, Holly! I know we all get busy and sometimes responses are a little delayed. My mother actually makes me sick for how she is living her life right. Supporting the moron in the white house is bad and how she betrayed her husband and is living with her brother in law ( her sister recently died), but they are living in TX now. I know what she put me through as a child, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. We are trying to save up money now that both my husband and I are working. It is only the two of us so maybe it will be more affordable to live in Canada. I wish I could say the there is no way Trump would get reelected, but I have seen how people are still supporting him and he is destroying this country more and more every day. I hope he just disappears and takes Pence with him:)!!!

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