I hadn’t realized that it had been so long since I last posted here. Yikes.
The long story short, I’ve been a mess of anxiety, which I try to bury below the surface and ignore by online shopping.
The way this country is absolutely fucking up its response to the Covid pandemic—and my state of residence in particular—has me so anxious that I am doing great only in the sense that I’m not curled up in a fetal position right now.
I’m worried that my husband will die, which is itself ironic because he got the latest results of his CT scan and it still shows no evidence of disease. I found an online calculator from MD Anderson (top cancer hospital) that shows that if he makes it through this year without a recurrence, his chances of having one go down significantly every year. Already he has better than 60 percent odds that he’ll make it, which is great. But if he dies because of Covid, then all the good cancer news in the world won’t matter anymore.
I’m also worried about myself. Try as I might to ignore it, I do still have MS and that makes me high-risk as well. I could die from Covid myself, which makes me start thinking about my own mortality. What have I accomplished with my life, other than raising three great kids to adulthood? Sure, they would be able to be self-sufficient without me because I’ve worked hard to give them those skills. But I can’t make any kind of peace with being gone.
I wish I could believe that when I die, I’ll go to heaven to be with Jesus. But I’ve been pretty areligious for a year and a half and that only seems to be more true as time goes on, so I don’t see that changing.
I also haven’t seen my therapist in almost four weeks and canceled the last appointment with her. I already know what she’d say if I were to see her. She’d try to guide me toward more productive ways of dealing with my fear other than with online shopping.
But increasingly, I don’t want to be taught how to solve my own problems. I already have the tools she taught me, which may be a sign that my relationship with her as a therapist has come to a natural end. Instead, I want someone who will help me understand my fear and why I’m essentially self-sabotaging as a coping mechanism.
There are so many problems in this country right now. I’ll vote otherwise but I fear that Trump will be re-elected. I have so little faith in him to do the right things. It’s been rather disillusioning to discover that so many of my fellow humans are not good, as I believed. I want to believe we’re all part of one human family and are all essentially good, but we’re not.
So if you don’t mind me, I’m going to sign off and go check on the order status of my most recent orders (yes, plural.) It’s the only way I know how to cope right now.