Day number eleventy thousand of quarantine

I’m not as much of an introvert as I thought I was. I miss going out and seeing people. I miss brief conversations with randos. I miss my normal life. Turns out that I don’t hate seeing people, I just enjoy time alone (not this much, though!) and I find certain individuals particularly exhausting to be around.

Things are still going well overall, though, despite my fears about the virus. I’m grateful that I can still afford to go to therapy while it’s no longer covered by insurance for the time being. Therapy helps.

I do still feel somewhat guilty about doing so well financially while so many are struggling. My mom pointed out that I shouldn’t feel guilty because we had so many years (god, so many years) of struggle ourselves that we finally deserve to have something good.

At the same time, I’m always aware that it might not last. My husband could lose his job in the recession that’s brewing. His cancer could get worse while he’s off chemo. He could get Covid and die from it. For that matter, I could get Covid and die from it. My MS has kept me in this weird bubble of invincibility and yet I know I am not immune because no one is.

In the meantime, I’m choosing to focus on what’s good. My husband, kids, and parents are all currently healthy and so am I. Sometimes I lie awake listening to my husband snore and feel so grateful because it means he’s alive. Someday I know I will miss that sound.

I finally paid off all my back taxes. I paid for two months of our Marketplace health insurance without little more than a blink. $1400, just like that. And we still have 3 months’ rent in savings with hopes to accumulate even more as quickly as we can, just in case he does get laid off. Or if god forbid he dies. Money equals security to me and creating a safety net is very important to me.

At the same time, I’m also following through on doing all the things I’ve always said I would do if I had a lot more money: saving it and also being more generous with it. I’ve been far more generous to people in need than I ever have before. Still, it’s very weird and foreign to look at my life and our bank account and see that we’re doing well. We finally got our shit together just because circumstances turned in our favor for once.

But I also know not to count on this being permanent because that’s not how life works. For as long as this lasts, I’m just going to enjoy the ride and keep doing what I’m doing. But only a fool assumes the good times will last forever.


  1. Joshua Shea says:

    Never apologize for parts of your life being better than other people’s and don’t resent the parts that aren’t. My uncle died in January after a long illness. Knowing about the virus now, his timing was pretty good. He was much better off than any of us knew and he left it all to my mother. She’s been overly generous toward my family during the lockdown. Does it suck that many people don’t have that luxury? Yes, and the socialist in me wishes we all had enough, but it’s not the case and I should just count my blessings. And it’s kind of funny…with everyone home now…I realize I’m even more of an introvert than I thought!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Holly says:

      I apologize that I’m just now seeing this comment! I’m sorry to hear about your uncle passing, though I also understand the almost sort of relief when it comes after a long illness. I’m glad that your mother has been able to be so generous to your family during the lockdown! The socialist in me also wishes we all had enough. In the meantime, I’m trying to do my small part to make other people’s lives better, especially those who aren’t as lucky as I am. I’ve even been stalking Amazon all night trying to find toilet paper to send to my parents so they don’t have to go to the stores or worry about it. It is funny though that you’re finding out you’re even more of an introvert than you thought! My husband’s a much more extreme introvert than I am and I’m sure he’d relate!

      Liked by 1 person

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