I’m not as much of an introvert as I thought I was. I miss going out and seeing people. I miss brief conversations with randos. I miss my normal life. Turns out that I don’t hate seeing people, I just enjoy time alone (not this much, though!) and I find certain individuals particularly exhausting to be around.
Things are still going well overall, though, despite my fears about the virus. I’m grateful that I can still afford to go to therapy while it’s no longer covered by insurance for the time being. Therapy helps.
I do still feel somewhat guilty about doing so well financially while so many are struggling. My mom pointed out that I shouldn’t feel guilty because we had so many years (god, so many years) of struggle ourselves that we finally deserve to have something good.
At the same time, I’m always aware that it might not last. My husband could lose his job in the recession that’s brewing. His cancer could get worse while he’s off chemo. He could get Covid and die from it. For that matter, I could get Covid and die from it. My MS has kept me in this weird bubble of invincibility and yet I know I am not immune because no one is.
In the meantime, I’m choosing to focus on what’s good. My husband, kids, and parents are all currently healthy and so am I. Sometimes I lie awake listening to my husband snore and feel so grateful because it means he’s alive. Someday I know I will miss that sound.
I finally paid off all my back taxes. I paid for two months of our Marketplace health insurance without little more than a blink. $1400, just like that. And we still have 3 months’ rent in savings with hopes to accumulate even more as quickly as we can, just in case he does get laid off. Or if god forbid he dies. Money equals security to me and creating a safety net is very important to me.
At the same time, I’m also following through on doing all the things I’ve always said I would do if I had a lot more money: saving it and also being more generous with it. I’ve been far more generous to people in need than I ever have before. Still, it’s very weird and foreign to look at my life and our bank account and see that we’re doing well. We finally got our shit together just because circumstances turned in our favor for once.
But I also know not to count on this being permanent because that’s not how life works. For as long as this lasts, I’m just going to enjoy the ride and keep doing what I’m doing. But only a fool assumes the good times will last forever.