It’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)

For those who don’t know, “It’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)” is an old song by R.E.M. Despite its title, it’s actually a pretty cheery and upbeat song. J put it on the other day before dinner and it just really seemed to fit everyone’s mood.

Everything in the world seems to be going to hell, and yet overall, I’m still pretty happy. My husband’s new job is great so far. Because he’s ranked higher in the company than at any of his previous jobs, he gets to work from home. We really enjoy being around each other so it’s been great having him at home.

I finally did my 2019 taxes yesterday after putting them off because I was afraid of how much I’d owe. But instead, J finally fixed his withholding and we’re actually getting enough back to pay off all of our back taxes. It will be so nice to have the government off my back after worrying about them for the past few years.

Plus, there will be about a month’s worth of rent left over, which is going straight into savings. If we get the stimulus checks they’re talking about, that’s also going into savings. (Though if the coronavirus passes and my husband doesn’t die, I’ve already stated that I want a new mattress.)

My husband is taking a chemo break for a couple of months until his new insurance kicks in or the immediate risk of the coronavirus passes. We will have interim insurance but it’s very high-deductible and doesn’t cover his oncologist anyway. He wants to try to build up his immune system after tanking it with chemo. Since he’s currently in the “no evidence of disease” state, it’s probably going to be okay to take a break. And that break means he’ll be feeling good, we can spend more “adult” time together, and life will be back to normal until he starts it again.

Of course, I hope the cancer won’t come back and be unbeatable this time. I live in fear of him catching the coronavirus because he probably wouldn’t make it. But despite all this, I’m still mostly at peace. I’m finding ways to help other people because it feels like we have so much abundance.

Maybe the worst-case scenarios will come true. After all, he already has cancer, and that certainly seems like a worst-case scenario come true in itself. But for now, especially because I don’t know how much time I have left with him, I really am trying to enjoy what time we have. Someone on my FB said they always knew I was brave. If this is bravery, it doesn’t feel like a heavy burden to bear.

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