Anxiety getting to me

This whole pandemic thing is starting to freak me out and it’s exceeding the level of my coping skills.

The grocery panic is a little surreal but I’m staying relatively positive about that. Instead of it adding to my anxiety, I’m looking at the random selection of food items as a fun new game.

Where the fun stops is when it comes to thinking of my husband getting Covid-19, though. His immune system is so compromised that I’m not sure he would survive it. On the other hand, though, I’m not entirely convinced that he doesn’t already have it right now. He’s had a bad cough (like horrifically bad) since Saturday and was running a mild fever—though his normal body temp runs low. It’s hard to know if his illness is due to Covid or just a bad garden-variety cold that his body couldn’t fight off.

My worst-case scenario all along in him taking this new job was what if he dies before the life insurance kicks in mid-May? I would be completely and totally fucked. I have two months’ rent in savings but I would have to find a full-time job before that ran out. And I probably couldn’t afford to stay in the house I’m in, which would mean scrambling to move. Neither of my two oldest kids are working right now and it looks like we’re heading into a recession.

But that’s the worst-case scenario. I’m hoping and praying that what he has right now is just a cold, not Covid. That he’ll make it through okay until he’s eligible for life insurance at least and hopefully much longer.

But I tell you: this whole pandemic has turned my whole world upside down because I feel like he’s so fragile. I just want to wrap him in a bubble and keep him safe so I can keep him here with me no matter what.

4 Comments

  1. Goodness Holly, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. When you say your husband’s is running a mild temp, what is it? I ask because I do know a little about healthcare and my crazy mother is a nurse. I know it isn’t easy to think positive right now, but I know you can do it! Can your husband get his doctor to test him for coronavirus? My thoughts are with you and your family and I only wish there was more i could do for you. You probably aren’t know this, but you can send me a private message anytime if you just need to vent. I will always be there to support and encourage you!

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    1. Hi Alyssa, the highest his temp has been was 99.5 and it’s come down since then. I’m really hoping it’s just a garden-variety cold! He is seeing his oncologist tomorrow and is going to ask him if he needs to be tested for coronavirus. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement! I hope you’re coping well with all this coronavirus panic.

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      1. My guess would be this is either a cold or allergies, but I could be wrong. I think everyone is freaking out about the coronavirus which is completely understandable, but sometimes with doctors we have to be a little more demanding. I might be a bit (or a lot) of a control freak and can be down right unwilling to accept no. I am normally a very kind and compassionate person, but when dealing with doctors who aren’t doing their job right I am anything other than kind.
        Dealing with the coronavrius issues and other unpleasant things, I am easing my stress by writing a lot. I was a little stupid a few times when I went to the pharmacy and grocery store, but I plan to not leave the house again until there is some control of coronavirus, which might not happen until fall, I know that was an exaggeration. I hope you are doing well and taking care of your health. I know your husband doesn’t know me, but please tell him my thoughts are with him during this challenging time. Remember, I am here if you need anything!

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