Ebb and flow

Life is all about change–at least for me. Rarely does anything remain static other than my relationship with my husband. To some degree, even my relationship with the kids isn’t static. My love for them doesn’t ever change but as they evolve into their own people, sometimes it changes our relationship. Usually not for the better or worse; just different.

Faith and religion are one of those issues which regularly fluctuates for me. Sometimes I’m drawn to religion for a while, but then other times I feel like it’s irrelevant to me at best. The latter is pretty much the state I’ve been in for more than a year. Sometimes I even feel adamantly opposed to it.

The one thing that remains constant in the faith issue is that I do believe in some type of force I call “God.” But beyond that, I can’t get a lot more specific.

Even my husband’s health and mine are in flux. I’ll be honest that it still hasn’t quite sunk in for me yet that he has no evidence of disease. Getting the new oncologist at the better hospital definitely helped. But he also said there’s a high risk of recurrence. And a big part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s like, okay, we just spent most of the last year with him on chemo. He got to the end of it and they found him disease-free. But now what? I especially understand the meaning of the term “scanxiety” that people in the cancer community use. I’m already holding my breath for his next CT scan. How much do get we used to this as the new normal? Is that naive to even think that him being disease-free is the new normal?

The other thing that ebbs and flows is my own health. I’m supposed to start a new injectable med for my MS sometime soon; I thought it would have been this week but it looks like it will be after the new year now.

The ironic thing is that I once said I’d never take the injectable meds because they scare me so much. They still do. But I also research how the drugs work and since this one targets inflammation just as my previous one did, I’m hoping it will help me.

But on the other hand, there’s still this little small voice in my head asking if I really need the meds. I haven’t had a relapse in more than two years. My disease is stable and not active.

It’s not a cure but I do care about not getting worse. And if my husband could go through chemo for six months with minimal complaints, taking injections for my MS is nothing in comparison.

I’m just overall feeling a bit confused and cautious going into the new year. So much still seems to be up in the air. After the year this has been, I’m almost afraid to hope it will be better. But who knows? Maybe it will be.

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