Something strange that’s happened since my husband was diagnosed with cancer is that he says he doesn’t have time to waste on worrying about the future or having regrets about the past.
Maybe that’s a form of enlightenment that only applies to the person living with the cancer themselves and not their spouses. Because I definitely haven’t had a similar shift in my thinking.
I do have my anxiety pretty well under control, but that requires medication and therapy. I know for a fact that I was doing worse before seeing the new therapist (who’s still great, BTW) and some med adjustments.
But to have no worries about the future or regrets about the past? I’m definitely not there yet. I wish that mindset of his were more contagious. Although I don’t spend every day crying or feeling anxious about it anymore, I can’t help but worry about the future. Everything from fearing that I’ll watch him suffer to wondering how I’ll manage living without him can’t help but make me feel nervous and scared about the future.
Similarly, I also can’t help but regret some things in the past, even more now than I already did. Had I known our time would be significantly shortened, maybe I would have pushed myself harder and sooner to have been better to him than I was.
I’m doing my best to stay in the present moment. There’s a lot to enjoy about the present. We were already in a really good place in our marriage before the diagnosis and we still are. We’re still making it a priority to spend lots of time together, nurturing that closeness. We’re creating a lot of important memories, both me and him together and him and the kids.
But I really wish I could get to that point of no worries and no regrets. I don’t know if I’ll get there eventually or if it’s something I can’t understand as the spouse of someone with cancer. I just want more time with him.