Silence doesn’t equal unhappiness

Quite the opposite, actually.

I know I haven’t been writing here as much lately, but it’s not a sign that anything is bad. Things have actually been pretty good overall.

My husband and I have been getting along well, though that’s not unusual. He goes for his last chemo treatment tomorrow, which will surely make for a tough weekend. But it’s kind of a big milestone that he’s finally reaching the end of chemo!

Of course, that doesn’t mean it will be his last round of chemo ever. A lot will depend on the results of his next scan, which I’m already nervous about. They might say he’s completely free of the disease. In the cancer community, that’s NED–no evidence of disease. They don’t say remission anymore.

With stage IV cancer, I understand that it can never be assumed to be completely gone. We should expect a recurrence at some point. But I’ve heard of other people who have made it 10+ years at stage IV.

I’m feeling less like it’s an impending death sentence than I did at first. A lot of that can be credited to finding a really good online community for colon cancer. They have a group specifically for spouses of people with stage IV and it has been so helpful and welcoming so far.

This is exactly the kind of support I needed. Rather than being depressing (like you think such a group would be) it’s actually hopeful. They have a group motto: keep fucking going or KFG. That reflects the sense that you don’t live waiting for death. This is likely to be a chronic condition in which you may or may not ever reach NED status, but you just KFG until you reach the end.

That takes a lot of the fear out of it. Between that, therapy, and some medication adjustment, I’m really holding my shit together pretty well.

My youngest’s 17th birthday is this Friday. My oldest’s 22nd birthday is next Wednesday, which she’s spending with her boyfriend. This is always a very busy time of year for me.

But still, I’m left with a sense of peace about everything. We’re going to see one of my favorite bands next Wednesday, when it will be far enough out from chemo that my husband should be feeling pretty well. I’m excited about that show–though a little nervous because it will be my first large arena show since I saw The Cure in 1992. I’m used to seeing lesser-known artists in small, intimate venues.

I’ve got money already set aside for Christmas gifts. My husband’s employer is having their Christmas party at one of the fanciest restaurants in Fort Worth and I’m looking forward to that as well. Even if my husband needs more cancer treatment, he’ll have the month of December off. That will be really nice.

Everything is just really good, which makes it harder to write. But I’d definitely rather have the good times for a while. After the way this year has been, normalcy is very welcome.

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