Spiraling

I haven’t known what to write here as often lately. In truth, I’m kinda spiraling, having trouble keeping my thoughts from running away from me.

I’ve done a lot of supremely unhelpful things related to what I’ll do once my husband dies. Given the fact that I don’t even know when that will be, it seems premature to be worrying about it now. But it’s all I can think about anymore.

I’ve looked up the cost of one-bedroom apartments vs. the cost of renting another house. Given that, again, I have no idea when it will be, I don’t know if any of the kids will still be living at home. I also have no idea what the housing market will be like at that unknown future date. I don’t even know if I want to stay in this area and have started researching other places.

I’ve realized that without my husband to help, I’ll definitely have to hire movers. And with my MS being what it is, I’ll probably have to hire a professional to come in and do a deep-clean before I move out.

This is all incredibly premature and completely pointless. I don’t want to have to figure out how to live without him so focusing on the things I can control makes the things I can’t control feel a little less overwhelming.

I don’t know what is the point of thinking about logistics now, when I don’t even have a date yet. I am still deeply hoping that he’ll be like the person he recently ran into, who also had the same type of cancer with more metastases and was treated at the same place and just celebrated I think the second year free of cancer.

That’s the outcome I want. His goals are to make it to our youngest’s high school graduation, then his fiftieth birthday, then our 30-year anniversary. The latter is nearly five years out. If he makes it that long or even longer, that gives me a lot of time to save more money and prepare myself. I’ve recently read stories of people with the same type and stage of cancer who lived for more than 10 years after diagnosis.

Not that I will ever be able to prepare myself. But this is a horrible way to live, in this perpetual state of feeling like there’s an axe hanging over my head. I have to snap out of it because I don’t want this to be what I remember of our time together.

I was really hoping therapy would help me with these fears and so far my first therapist was a bad fit. I see the new one in a little over a week and I really hope she’ll be more compassionate and helpful. My other therapist seemed to (probably unintentionally) make my fears worse by focusing solely on finances. What I really need help with is managing my fears so that I don’t ruin today.

I realize that there’s a greater lesson to learn from this whole spouse-with-stage IV-cancer experience, and that’s that I need to let go of fearfulness and control and live in the moment. I’ve always struggled with that but even more so now. It’s like the universe decided I needed the master class in learning how to be grounded in the present moment. A lot of times, I really don’t think I’m ready for the lesson.

Ultimately what it comes down to is that I have to continue learning how to put myself and my own needs aside to be of greater service in general and specifically of service to my husband. It’s a very valuable lesson and one I needed to learn. I just hope I’ll be able to get out of my own way and rise to the occasion.