In almost every case I’ve ever seen, when people are angry, they’re usually actually hurt about something.
For that reason, I’m not sure what to do about what I wrote yesterday. To be sure, there is still a very deep hurt underneath my relationship with that former friend.
I’m sure she was lashing out at me because there was hurt underneath it, too. But just because I can understand that didn’t make it easier to accept.
I couldn’t just get over it. I still feel that it’s never okay to blow up at people and call them names, even if you’re hurt. Her doing so had always been a part of our friendship and it wounded me very deeply.
But while I felt I needed to finally say what I had been mostly repressing, doing so didn’t make me feel better. It didn’t erase the feeling of being hurt to finally tell my side of the story.
I had been doing so well at keeping myself at peace. But when I look back at previous entries, I can see that my efforts were slowly starting to unravel. Even my anxiety, which I had been managing to deal with so well, started to return.
I have a million excuses (which are just that: excuses) for why I stopped doing as well. I stopped meditating. I’ve had the most stressful four months of possibly my entire life, with my husband getting diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, having more work than I can do which means I’m not getting enough rest, the brutal fucking beat down that is a Texas summer with MS. Just surviving has sometimes been very difficult.
But still, that’s not the kind of person I want to be. Even if it was how I really felt, I was trying hard not to talk about it and “just get over it.” But trying to just get over it stopped working.
When do you determine that something needs to be said and when it crosses the line into unnecessary drama? When you grow up without healthy examples of how to handle stuff like this, sometimes you mess it up. It lets me know that I still have a lot of work to do on myself.
At the same time, people who say abusive things to others expect it to be swept under the rug, to move on without addressing it. How do you tell the difference between knowing when to bring it into the light versus saying things that don’t need to be said?
Healing is messy, ugly work sometimes. And sometimes you take a step backward in the process. I feel like that’s what I’ve done.
What it all comes down to is wanting to be better every day than I was the day before and I don’t feel like I did that. I felt I had to address the deep hurt she caused me but I’m not sure I did it the right way. I’m not sure there was a right way to do it.