I’m still here, just not interesting

I am in this weird mid-summer zone where I can’t seem to think about anything. I’m somehow managing to still do my writing work, but other than that I feel barely functional.

There was this Harry Potter yoga thing I really wanted to go to yesterday and I was just too bone-tired to do it. My social anxiety also started to flare up and I felt like I wasn’t up to being in an unfamiliar setting around people I didn’t know. I was really disappointed even in my own self because that was the closest thing I would’ve had to socializing in quite a while and I was really looking forward to it.

It’s weird because I have trouble believing in religion, but I seem to give more credibility to things like planetary shifts. There’s little real evidence for either and both require some degree of willingness to believe things that can’t be seen.

But just as we know the moon affects tides, I think the moon affects us too (since we are made up of so much water.) We’re just coming out of Mercury retrograde and then there was a “super black moon” and I am choosing to blame my month of weirdness on that. There’s little science behind it but I believe in it anyway.

I’ve been having weird dreams about new best friends that I’ll meet (not likely to happen soon in reality, since I’d have to actually leave the house more) and about my husband getting bad test results. I’m sure these dreams are just my subconscious mind working stuff out, but it’s unsettling nonetheless.

I’m really struggling with Texas summer and my MS and am thinking about where else I might like to be. So far, no place else really comes to mind, though. My husband’s job is really good and treating him well and his skills are really in demand in this area, so it makes sense to stay here for the foreseeable future.

But if he loses his fight with cancer at some point, would I still want to stay here? That’s less a matter of what I’d want vs. what I could afford. I know I wouldn’t want to go back to Michigan.

Any of the places that are more liberal and have milder weather are also much more expensive than here. Any places that are cheaper than here aren’t going to have the bigger-city amenities that I want.

I have to find a way to do more in the summer than just trying to survive it. I feel like I’m wasting all these weeks, napping and working and doing little else. There has to be more to life than this. I truly feel disabled lately and that sucks a lot. I know that I’ll feel better in a couple of months, but that doesn’t make it easier to get through now.

I feel like I haven’t written anything interesting or had much to say in a long time. It’s as though that part of my brain is just turned off. I really hope I’ll start feeling like my normal self again soon.

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