Resolutions of two varieties

So the positive resolution is that finally, almost six years after my son got hit by a car, our lawsuits against the insurance companies have been settled without going to trial.

I’m glad it didn’t go to trial because I definitely don’t feel strong enough right now to relive that chapter of my life. The deposition (by now a couple years ago) was hard enough, reliving the details of the accident. I definitely have some PTSD from that.

Since my son and husband are co-plaintiffs now that my son is a legal adult, they’ll be allocating the money between them somehow, my son obviously getting the majority. We didn’t get as much as we hoped for but our share will likely be enough to pay off the balance on my car and pay off some small debts. My son will get a pretty good chunk of change, especially for an 18-year-old, but fortunately the only thing he wants to spend it on is a used car and wants to save the rest.

My youngest should get enough to pay for an inexpensive used car as well as compensation for witnessing the accident. So that long and painful chapter of our lives will soon be coming to an end.

Just in time for other battle: my husband’s cancer. For the second week in a row, his chemo treatment was canceled because his white blood cell count was too low. It actually dropped from last week. I guess that’s a testament to just how powerful the chemo was.

But even though I really don’t want to be brave–in fact, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, even harder than when I moved down here alone–I have to make a resolution to be optimistic. I can’t be around any negativity at all.

It’s time to find that fighter spirit in me, the same one that healed my dermoid ovarian cyst weeks before surgery, using only visualization and chakra healing. That was almost 20 years ago and I haven’t used it again, but it’s time I find that reserve of strength that I know is still within me.

I’ve done a lot of things in my life that required great strength. From coming down here alone for almost four months to make a way for my husband and kids to pursuing big publications to getting through undergrad with honors with virtually no child care and three little children, I can be tough when I need to be.

My anxiety is coming back and it’s taking more effort to beat it. Every time my husband’s chemo gets canceled, it fills me with more fears. I’ve even started obsessing more about my own health and my future. I am torn between living in the moment, not borrowing trouble thinking about the what-ifs about the future, and planning how I’ll survive as a widow. It’s a terrifying rollercoaster ride to be on.

My best friend can’t leave me yet. If he does, I’ll cope somehow, but I just can’t let myself think about it in advance. I truly believe that it will all work out how it’s supposed to, whether or not that’s for the good. But the next few years are going to be a fight.

So it’s time to make and keep a resolution to be strong. To call on the strength that has gotten me through other times almost as challenging as this one. I’ve never really tried to cure my MS using my strength of mind, figuring it was my cross to bear. Yet maybe I can.

But for my husband and my desperate wish for his survival, I will summon that strength and be the best fighter and advocate for him that I can be.

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