The prayers of a doubter

I don’t even know what I believe about God, but I do believe there’s some kind of force for good out there.

I’m not attending mass at this time because I’m not all that convinced that Catholicism really makes sense to me. But at the same time, I’ve read that having some type of faith improves the odds of cure and remission in cancer, so I hope my confused efforts to believe will help.

My husband starts chemo in a few hours and I decided to start saying nightly prayers for him to St. Peregrine, the patron saint of cancer, in addition to my prayers to God as I understand him (her? It? I’m not sure.)

Does it matter if I’m sure? I do believe that the prayers of other people can make a difference, and I know that dozens of people with faith much stronger than mine are praying for my husband right now.

I am a big believer in miracles, in overcoming long-shot odds. It’s a little lot intimidating to be up against odds these scary. But I have to try to believe.

I can say for sure that having your spouse diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer changes your life. Not even my MS has had this kind of an impact on me. Anything I thought was a real crisis or a really bad day before now seems almost laughable in comparison.

I honestly do believe he’ll get through this and beat the cancer. What I’m really afraid of is him beating it, only to have it return. That’s what happened with my aunt, who died of melanoma in her 50s. She beat it once and it was gone for so many years that she lived as though it would never return. But when it did return, that time she couldn’t beat it.

I have to not give into my fears. This is the real test of how well I’m able to manage dealing with anxiety and fear. I want to believe that my husband will still be here with me for many years and that in a few months, he’ll be cured and healthy again. I have to believe it because I can’t let myself think of the alternative.

Hopefully the prayers of someone who still has a lot of doubt and confusion about religious faith will influence things for the good.


  1. skinnyhobbit says:

    I hope your husband recovers and that cancer won’t make a comeback.

    Other than prayers, I hope friends are checking in with you and your husband (if you want that), and supporting you both in any practical or emotional ways that each of you need. 🙂


    1. Holly says:

      Thank you. We don’t have a lot of friends to support us (especially him.) I do have friends checking in with me though and he is really helped by going to church.

      Liked by 1 person

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