If I ever had any doubts that I really “deserved” my disability payments because I had some good days (which I did), this period of time proves that I do really need it.
I don’t know if it’s the exhaustion of coming off my husband’s 9 days in the hospital or how much I’ve been running around like crazy. But I’m starting to feel like I’m on the verge of another MS relapse and I’m trying my hardest to keep it at bay.
I spent last night crying so much it ended up keeping my husband awake. I’m ashamed of that because I really have to hold it together well for his sake. And I’m sure I will, I just had to process that initial reaction and stop suppressing it.
But needless to say, I didn’t sleep well. Then I had to go out and run errands all day and had a total of several different times I had to leave the house, come back for a half hour, then leave again. I don’t know why but those kind of broken very short trips are more exhausting to me than one long one. (Don’t get me wrong though: long outings also exhaust me.)
Probably the worst was grocery shopping. Just a couple weeks ago, my husband was going grocery shopping with me because my MS made it difficult to do alone. Not only did I end up going shopping on my own, but it was also after all the cashiers had gone home. So I had to use the miniature little self-scan register for a whole cart of groceries.
Then I had to load them in the car, unload them when I got home, and then put them all away by myself.
There was a point in time where I wouldn’t have had much problem doing that. But now with the MS, it felt like I did an incredibly hard workout. It took hours for my heart rate to return to normal, which is probably a sign there’s something wrong with my heart but I can’t deal with that now.
My husband offered to shop for me in the morning but that just makes me feel worse. He’s got freaking cancer and I should be taking care of him, not vice versa.
I try to take on more than my body can really handle and my body and brain say no. Already I’m losing the ability to write articles again, so I really hope that function returns soon.
I’m just so frustrated that my body isn’t cooperating. My husband is normally like Superman and nothing slows him down. He needs to rest and recuperate now and probably should’ve been all along. So why am I finding it so hard to push myself to do more? All I want to do is sleep for days, but I can’t…there’s too much to do.