So that song by The Smiths has been in my head all day–not just because I really like it, but also because it seems fitting to what I’m supposed to do right now.
I started questioning my grad school path after reading an article about how adjunct professors don’t even know if they’ll have continued work the next year, all in addition to the low pay.
I thought, hmm…sounds a lot like everything I hate about freelancing. And because of how little it pays, I’d probably still end up freelancing anyway.
And then I thought about the therapist programs again and looked up a few.
Then I started to get the sense that my indecision is just madness and I don’t have to decide today.
I did a tarot reading which said among other things, I fear being a scapegoat (true), I have to find out why I’m so afraid to begin a path, and that I will temporarily be in a leadership role that will only last a short time.
I have fears about what that last one means but I’m not going to feed the fear by obsessing over it.
What I do strongly sense is that I’m not supposed to make a decision right now and that my ultimate path will reveal itself in time. What I end up doing may be one of the choices I’ve already considered or it may be none of them.
I know that in the coming months, my middle child will be getting a job (I hope, since he’s delaying college) and won’t have money for a car right away. My youngest is also going to college prep classes to try to improve his PSAT score and that will last all summer.
I could technically find a way to get them where they need to be and also pursue my own interests. But for one thing, I’ve come this far in being there for them, and it seems kinda lame to quit now so close to the finish. And for the other, much more important factor, I don’t even know for sure what interest I want to pursue.
So much is up in the air. Will I get disability insurance payments? If so, that limits how much I can earn. For another thing, I’m starting to have doubts creeping in about how much I can really do. My freelance work is fairly heavy right now and while I’m getting it done, it is increasing my need for rest. Health-wise, I may not be able to pursue some big new career goal–no matter how much exercise helps me or how motivated I am. I am discovering that there is indeed a limit to how much I can push myself.
There’s this idea that disabled people should be a source of inspiration to healthy, abled people. Look at all we can do despite our disability! Wow! And with so little complaint! Gosh, if only everyone could be like that. What’s wrong with you complainers? Be more inspirational, dammit.
I’m definitely guilty of falling into that trap. Denial has always been a huge part of my struggle with MS. And it’s a fine line to walk: I don’t want to give up on myself and be unnecessarily negative all the time, but there’s a lot of unspoken societal pressure to gloss over the bad parts and push myself harder than I can really handle.
The way I look at it, the universe has always had my back. Even when times were hard, much harder than they are now, I still always made it through. I may not have had the luxuries some have like updated kitchens or great seats at every concert, but I never went without what I needed. I always even ended up getting the things that I wanted eventually.
I always got more work, whether freelance right when I needed it or the two-year contract work at home website moderator job that I loved.
So why am I trying to force the issue now? I can’t decide what I’m supposed to do next. I think what I’ll do, then, is table the decision until the universe shows me loud and clear what I’m supposed to choose.
All I do know is we’re here and it’s now
So stretch out and wait, stretch out and wait…