It just is, because ultimately it always is.
Things are okay now, in fact. I’ve spent so many years waiting for life to look like I think it should that I’ve spent too little time appreciating the fact that it’s still okay even while things aren’t perfect.
So we aren’t making a ton of money. We do have a beautiful house to live in, I have a newer car that’s reliable, I have great kids. My health is making major improvements thanks to the meds I’m on.
I’m most likely going to end up taking in-person classes for my graduate degree next year. Classes in person are infinitely better than online classes. And that gives me a lot to look forward to, not that far into the future.
As of next school year, I’ll be down to only one kid in school who still needs transportation. He’ll be almost 17 by then, hardly a baby. We’ll figure something out for him to do on the days my school doesn’t allow me to pick him up. Something will work out.
After reviewing a lot of my old blog posts, I feel better about a lot of things. I’ve wanted to go to grad school for more than a decade. I’m doing social work instead of sociology because it’s more employable, but it still interests me just as much.
I used to think I wouldn’t like social work because the only application I knew was working for CPS, which I didn’t want to do. But working in a rehab center, whether as an intake person or a therapist, interests me. Working as a hospital social worker interests me. Hell, even working as an eligibility coordinator for mental health benefits for an insurance company sounds acceptable.
I’m going to be okay. The fact that I’ve had many of the same struggles for years doesn’t mean that I’m a failure; it just means that I haven’t done the right things to make the necessary changes. I’m still putting my kids’ needs ahead of mine so they can stay in the same schools. That’s been a sacrifice I’ve made during most of their lives because I thought it was important. More than anything, I wanted their childhoods to be as stable as possible.
I’ve made some really important changes, though, good ones. Obviously, the biggest is that I finally got our family out of Michigan. I tried coming back to Texas twice (well, only once–the second time was an interview here that I couldn’t make because of flight snafus) before it finally worked.
That move was an example of a disruption to my kids’ lives that was overall worth it. Even my oldest, who had the hardest time with the move, is now doing really awesome at his job and loves a lot of things about this area that we just didn’t have back home. (That said, I’m sure he’d say he still wants to go back, though he isn’t making concrete steps to do so.)
I’ve made huge changes in my health. I have a higher than average risk of heart attack because my mom had one so young. For a long time, I wasn’t doing very well to modify my risk factors, even having periods of going back to smoking again during times of stress.
But now it’s been years since I smoked. I don’t drink soda at all and rarely drink alcohol; my mom drank a lot of both. I’ve cut way back on junk food and processed food. I don’t consume a lot of sugar. I do an hour to 90 minutes on the treadmill several days a week. I try to keep up with a meditation habit.
Things aren’t perfect, but they’re moving in the right direction. And isn’t that ultimately the point? Change may not happen as quickly as we want it to. But we can look at the big picture and see that, yes, we’re still evolving and moving forward. And that’s enough.