Going back to what hurt you

For a long time, I couldn’t let go of a friend who repeatedly hurt me. She abandoned me without fail at all of the points when I most needed a friend.

But for some reason, I’d always want to go back. Lately I’ve been fighting the urge again and I know I won’t even try because it was so bad for me. This time, I finally get it that things will never be healthy and stable between us.

I save the messages we exchanged so I can look back at them whenever I feel like I miss her. Seeing what she actually said and how she was so verbally abusive to me is a really good wake-up call whenever I feel like I miss her. I’ve just never had anyone else lash out at me like that.

She couldn’t see past her own issues and interpretations and always had to make things someone else’s fault. If she was hurt, she lashed out and burned bridges. I always kept trying to cross those burned bridges like a moron with no self-preservation instincts.

The truth is that I am way happier and far more resilient when I’m not friends with her. Her constant complaining is contagious and makes me feel worse about my own health. Judging by how things have been in the past few months, without her influence, I am doing much better.

I need to completely let it go. I’m regularly meditating and exercising and journaling. But it still gets under my skin sometimes. I really wish we could have stayed friends and I feel like I failed for not figuring out how to make it work. I did way more for her than she did for me and always have; that was the dynamic of our friendship from the beginning. It was always lopsided.

Contact had to be frequent or else she’d get upset and that was super draining. So I don’t know what I feel I’m missing. I miss the good parts I guess, of having someone other than my husband and kids to regularly talk to.

I have a good marriage, great kids, am coping remarkably well with my MS. I’m already accepted to start a graduate program in the fall and I’m super psyched about that. My husband has an awesome new job. I’ve got quite a bit of freelance work right now. We have a nice house and I have the newest car that I’ve driven in more than 10 years. My youngest may start driving over the summer, which would free up so much time for me.

I’m happy with who I am and what my life is for the most part. My MS is just a small part of my life now. So why do I ever miss someone who was so bad for me? I guess I’m starting to believe I do deserve better because I’m not going back this time. But I really hate giving up on people.

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