Up and down

I somehow got myself on the muscle relaxer kick again since I returned from Michigan. I had quit taking them entirely and it seems like I need them again. I guess I haven’t yet had a compelling enough reason to stop them again yet.

Now I’m in the waiting period regarding disability. I actually feel fairly hopeful, although I know I could still end up being denied and having to appeal. I’ve found a handful of people online who did get approved on the first try. And apparently the fact that I have both MS with extensive white matter loss and “signal abnormalities” (which I think refers to my brain signals misfiring) and persistent major depression that doesn’t respond to treatment improves my chances of getting disability.

On the one hand, I really, really don’t want disability. I would much rather be able to work full-time. But when I work full-time, that literally takes all my capacity and then some. When I do that, the only thing I can do besides work is sleep. It’s really no way to live. And I do acknowledge that I am privileged to have a supportive partner, who still agrees that I should take the disability even if he doesn’t earn huge money.

Money has never been our highest priority. We value our time together more than anything else. Neither of us are big shoppers and we don’t particularly enjoy going out for entertainment. In that way, I got lucky; I’d be much worse off with a partner who wanted me to be high-maintenance with my appearance or to always go to the movies or buy the newest video games. We’re both similar in not wanting much, which makes it easier to not have a lot of excess money.

In the meantime, while I wait for disability to come through (whether that will be soon or after years worth of appeals), I am trying to do what I can. I have a few freelance articles. I finally have a domain name I really like for a business blog that I want to get working. (Who knows? Maybe this time I’ll get the blog right. After all, it’s what I think I’m supposed to do.)

And so now I wait and hope for the patience to get through the transition period without freaking out.

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