Finding the center

Regardless of what happens, I really think everything is going to be okay.

I mean, don’t get me wrong: I’m still seriously concerned about the state of the country and the way it’s going. I think we’re headed for another recession. I still have this stupid disease and can’t afford treatment (and there isn’t an assistance program for the one they want to put me on because it’s not an MS drug, per se.)

Yet even in spite of all this, I have a center. I’ve got some freelance work again and my brain is clear enough to do it. I really need at least some work to do.

I’m doing a lot better off the meds. I did essentially trade clarity of mind for more intense physical pain, but that’s a worthwhile trade-off 99 percent of the time. There are still times when I want to go back to the meds because they moderately reduce the pain. But I just can’t handle being that constantly out of it and practically non-functional.

My pain tolerance is pretty high (hey, I did vaginally give birth to a 10-pound baby without an epidural) so even if I hurt, I can deal with hurting.

I really do want to find more work I can do when I get back from my trip to Michigan, which is soon. I still have the challenge of needing to be available to drive my kids which interferes with my work availability. But I have hope that I’ll be able to do at least some work, even if it’s only freelance or it’s only part-time.

I’m talking myself through a lot of my anxiety using techniques I learned in this dialectical behavioral therapy workbook.

My anxiety and depression may always be part of me, but I’m learning how to live with them a little better. I have to do the right things: positive self-talk, adequate sleep, some work but not too much, healthy diet, avoiding negative people, faith.

Whether I get disability or not, I’ll still do some work. I don’t want to just sit around doing no work at all, even if full-time is too much to handle. But maybe a time will come when I can find the right type of full-time work that’s manageable.

I’m not giving up on myself yet.

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