At long last, peace

You know when you feel like everything is just wrong for a really long time and then the air clears? That’s me.

I am still struggling with my illness. So far after a week of cooler weather, my mental confusion and cognitive function is a bit closer to normal, but I realize that my body still hurts just as much, if not more.

And I’m okay with that, strangely enough.

My finances are still an absolute trainwreck even though I’m trying so hard to be responsible with what I buy. I don’t actually know how I’m going to get out of some of our issues, like cars that need expensive repairs.

But everything is going to be okay either way. I truly believe that. My husband has a second job at a department store (luckily they have nothing there that makes me want to use his employee discount) so that brings in some extra money while he looks for a better-paying primary job. I earn a couple hundred bucks a month from random small freelance assignments.

I keep getting little kisses from Mary or God or the universe or whatever you want to attribute it to. Whether it’s an unexpected bonus check or a bill being unexpectedly smaller, little things let me know it’s all going to be fine, because it always is.

It’s entirely possible I could be accepted for disability on the first try. I’m not expecting it, of course, because two-thirds of initial applications are rejected. But now I have easily accessible records that say that according to my MRI, I have “extensive signal abnormality throughout the white matter” of my brain. (In non-medical lingo, that means my brain is really fucked up, especially the part of it responsible for memory. It also means I’m at high risk for stroke, which means I need to keep my stress low.)

And even if my husband has to keep working the second job for a while and can’t find a better-paying primary time job soon, even if I don’t get disability for a few years, even if I don’t have much freelance work, I feel strongly that everything is all going to be okay no matter what.

I’ve gotten the people out of my life who weren’t meant to be there. My husband and I are focused on helping each other through this and we’re getting along really well. I’m realizing that I really needed faith in my life again and it’s specifically the Catholic one, which is also a great thing for my marriage.

I feel like there’s a storm going on everywhere around me and I’m sitting with my husband in a refuge, just watching it go on around us. There will be a mess to clean up from the storm and it will still be a challenge to get through, but everything just feels like it will be okay in the end.

I have a husband who’s my best friend and is working hard to make sure our needs are met. I have children who have fun talking to each other and help each other out (as well as helping me out.) I have a peaceful, comfortable home that is more beautiful than I ever thought I’d have. It is well with my soul.

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