I need to get some self-discipline, but unfortunately I don’t know how or where to find it.
I know that right now, I’m really struggling just to stay out of the hospital. August is always the worst month for my MS, but it actually started earlier this year because of the unusual heat wave starting in June. It feels like I’ve been on the verge of needing the hospital since mid-June.
My MS relapses usually take either a primarily mental aspect (like with the brain fog and slow cognitive processing) or physical like with numb legs or arm tremors or foot drop. This year, because the summer heat began so early and because I started the summer being rundown from trying to work full-time, I’ve experienced both the mental and physical aspects.
I’m quite literally melting down, like circuits that have overheated and are malfunctioning as a result.
Despite all that, I’m still being pretty hard on myself. Somehow I think I should still be trying harder. Like I would have more freelance clients — or at least have the motivation to work on an e-book and my websites — if only I had more self-discipline.
How much can I really expect of myself while my circuits feel like they’re fried? I don’t honestly know the answer to that question.
I’m honestly terrified to go on to disability. I can look at how much I’m still on the verge of total shutdown even without working full-time and I feel pretty certain that I couldn’t have worked through the past six weeks.
But there’s this voice in my head that calls me a quitter, tells me I didn’t try hard enough to find some kind of work I could do with these limitations. I feel like getting disability is giving up. Secretly, I feel like saying I’m disabled really just means I’m lazy.
In truth, though, I can look at the past few years and realize that I don’t think I was ever quite as capable as I wanted to believe that I was. I can see how my MS was affecting me even before I moved down here. Most of the past 10 years, I wasn’t working full-time. I wanted to be working full-time during a lot of that time, but any time my freelance work started to approach full-time (for example) I started to have more trouble with my functioning. And I’ve only gotten worse since then.
But if I don’t have control over whether or not I’m really disabled, how much control do I have over the rest of my life? And what do I want to do with my time? I guess I’ll have to figure that out — once the summer heat is over and I can think clearly again.