Do I need self-discipline or a reality check?

I need to get some self-discipline, but unfortunately I don’t know how or where to find it.

I know that right now, I’m really struggling just to stay out of the hospital. August is always the worst month for my MS, but it actually started earlier this year because of the unusual heat wave starting in June. It feels like I’ve been on the verge of needing the hospital since mid-June.

My MS relapses usually take either a primarily mental aspect (like with the brain fog and slow cognitive processing) or physical like with numb legs or arm tremors or foot drop. This year, because the summer heat began so early and because I started the summer being rundown from trying to work full-time, I’ve experienced both the mental and physical aspects.

I’m quite literally melting down, like circuits that have overheated and are malfunctioning as a result.

Despite all that, I’m still being pretty hard on myself. Somehow I think I should still be trying harder. Like I would have more freelance clients — or at least have the motivation to work on an e-book and my websites — if only I had more self-discipline.

How much can I really expect of myself while my circuits feel like they’re fried? I don’t honestly know the answer to that question.

I’m honestly terrified to go on to disability. I can look at how much I’m still on the verge of total shutdown even without working full-time and I feel pretty certain that I couldn’t have worked through the past six weeks.

But there’s this voice in my head that calls me a quitter, tells me I didn’t try hard enough to find some kind of work I could do with these limitations. I feel like getting disability is giving up. Secretly, I feel like saying I’m disabled really just means I’m lazy.

In truth, though, I can look at the past few years and realize that I don’t think I was ever quite as capable as I wanted to believe that I was. I can see how my MS was affecting me even before I moved down here. Most of the past 10 years, I wasn’t working full-time. I wanted to be working full-time during a lot of that time, but any time my freelance work started to approach full-time (for example) I started to have more trouble with my functioning. And I’ve only gotten worse since then.

But if I don’t have control over whether or not I’m really disabled, how much control do I have over the rest of my life? And what do I want to do with my time? I guess I’ll have to figure that out — once the summer heat is over and I can think clearly again.

1 Comment

  1. I know how truly difficult living with MS can be and there seem to always be times that are more difficult than they were before. It can difficult to see the strength we have when we are struggling with a relapse and even harder when there are multiple relapses close together. But try to always remember, there are SO many people that could not walk even one day in your shoes because it is too darn painful and difficult, but you walk in those shoes EVERYDAY of you life. You are NOT a quitter as you are still fighting the battle. I often believe we are our own biggest critic and we are SO hard on ourselves!

    Holly, my dear sweet, courageous and strong friend, please never ever view yourself as a quitter as you are anything but that! I know all too well how much this heat causes us severe issues and it can be very discouraging. Anytime you need a little boost, I am HERE for YOU! You can email me anytime if you want and I will respond as quickly as I possibly can! I will never ignore any emails from my amazing friends because I care. There are so many times I can way too much for people that could care less about me, but you are NOT that kind of person. So please, please, please, email whenever you need a little extra encouraging from someone that truly understands. My personal email address is alyssabowman81@gmail.com. All my love sweetie!

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