This is the sound of settling

It’s just beginning to dawn on me that quitting my job means something really huge: full-time work is an option that’s most likely closed to me forever.

For the past 8-10 months, I believed that FT work was my plan for the foreseeable future. I’d get a full-time job and work there for at least 10 years, if not 20, depending on my health.

It didn’t occur to me at all that I might not even make it to the end of this year.

My health is honestly worse than I thought, which is a rather shocking reality check.

I’m trying to avoid thinking that things are worse than they are since I still think optimism is a big part of dealing with MS. I don’t want to put myself in the grave yet, you know? (Well, other than the stray suicidal thought which is not uncommon in MS, but I try not to let those become too frequent, either.)

At the same time, it’s like well, so that plan is no longer feasible. It’s time to come up with a new plan that has nothing to do with FT work.

Maybe I’ll work part-time, though that will still be challenging until after the kids graduate. Maybe I’ll get some work-at-home job that has nothing to do with writing. Or maybe I’ll just continue the status quo and keep freelance writing. Or follow my other big dream of monetizing a blog and writing books.

Or there may be as-yet-untested possibilities for other ways to make money, like making soap and bath bombs, or sewing or doing little crafts, or baking. I used to be good at a lot of those things but now they tend to be hard for me.

But regardless of what I choose, I have to intentionally envision a new future that does not involve full-time work. And seeing as how I’ve assumed for years that I would resume FT work at the very least once the kids were old enough that transportation was no longer an issue, this is a rather startling new reality to consider.

I guess I’m done with FT work, probably forever, so what am I going to do instead?

I can either look at that as abjectly terrifying (especially in light of my student loans) or as a source of great freedom and possibility.

I’m trying really hard to view it as the latter, but it’s still a struggle. My hope is that I’ll get to some point soon where my life will be so settled and I’ll be so at peace with my circumstances that I can say I totally meant to do this all along.

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