Give yourself a try

So I’m coming out on the other side. It’s amazing how getting almost enough sleep helps. It helps that it’s Friday, that sweet, magical land of the workweek. And this is when I will reap the rewards of getting a FT job and stopping freelancing: having an actual weekend, two days off when I don’t have to do any work or feel guilty about not working.

Honestly I was doing pretty great on Wednesday and thought I was rounding the bend — I didn’t even need a nap that day. But caffeine too late in the day was so drastically bad that it fucked up that night and all of yesterday and made me feel like I wouldn’t ever be able to do my job. (There’s also the PMS/PMDD factor which snuck up on me…great timing, no?)

But I now believe that I’m going to be able to do this after all. I just have to not ever ever ever have caffeine after work because it takes me 24 hours to recover from that tragedy.

I have realized that my MS makes me much more of a delicate hothouse flower than I want to be. I want to be a badass who can thrive in the harshest conditions. I want to be a cactus, who stores up the bare minimum of what I need so that I can survive when I don’t get anything.

But that’s not me. At all. In truth, I am a very fragile type of flower, which pisses me off. If you don’t give me the conditions I need to survive, I quite literally start to die. I think my health is proof of how little care I have historically given my body and how disastrous the results have been for me. I didn’t cause my MS but I made every one of my risk factors worse.

So this is my new start to try again to take better care of myself. I’ll have to create some new routines to help myself stay well. But I actually think I’m going to be able to manage this new life. I needed to be able to work outside the home and have regular interactions with other people. I needed to decrease my anxiety by having regular income. I recognized the things I needed to get better and I’m starting to do them.

This is all good. It’s going to be okay. I just have to make the transition and do some brainstorming on how to make my new reality better balanced.

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