I just got a huge, much-needed reset and I feel SO much better!
I went to a concert last night with a friend of mine. You may recall her as the woman I was supposed to go on a date with and then I backed out at the very last moment. We’ve still continued to talk and are becoming genuine, real life friends.
There was a concert for this artist named Halsey and I really wanted to go but Dylan wouldn’t go with me. She had tickets for good seats to go and had planned to go with another friend. The other friend backed out because she wasn’t feeling well and asked me if I wanted to go. I said yes, of course I did!
So I met up with her and we rode together in her car. I actually felt comfortable enough with her to sing along to the 80s alternative music in her car. To give you an idea of how huge that is, I have many people I’ve been friends with for 20+ years who have never heard me sing because I am normally pretty self-conscious about how bad my singing voice is.
The concert was just absolutely amazing. The vibe of the crowd was like a cross between a gay pride parade and a pro-choice rally. The singer led us in chants of “fuck Greg Abbott” (our asshat governor) and “fuck Ted Cruz” (one of our asshat senators.) She also had a lot of statistics on the screen behind her about the safety of legal abortion compared to childbirth, especially for POC.
She is well known for having had an abortion herself and also for having a kid of her own and she said that we in the crowd gave her hope for the world her son would grow up in.
Everything about the night was so great and empowering. The merch guy commented positively on my A Tribe Called Quest shirt and when I asked for a t-shirt in a size XL, he suggested I get a medium or large instead.
There was a girl in the bathroom who asked me if I was a mom; I said yes and asked why she was asking. She said “moms just know how to fix stuff” and asked me to help her pin her dress because her boyfriend screwed it up.
I went back to Cat’s house afterwards and at first I thought I might stay the night but I didn’t because I don’t sleep well if I’m not in my own bed. But we were both wired from the concert and talked for a couple hours.
While I was there talking with her, I got a message from the guy I was with the other night and he said there were things that he wished he could have done to me.
I responded by saying, “Mmm yeah, you really missed out.” A little cheeky maybe but honest. I’m not going to interfere in his partnership with my friend now that I know how she feels.
I just feel so much more confident about myself. I’m discovering that people actually really do like me and want to spend time with me because I’m fun and I’m honest and I show that I care about them. (For example, I didn’t have to pay Cat back for the concert ticket but she asked me to pay for parking. I knew she had a bad back so I paid extra for closer parking.)
I hope I can hold on to this feeling when I start feeling low again. I really don’t think my life is over yet, even though sometimes it’s unbearably hard.
I choose to think (despite not having any evidence of it) that I’m making these new friends and having these experiences that give me more confidence in myself because I think it’s what J wants for me. I think he would want to see me coming into my own and being more vocal about what I believe in and having more confidence and more friends.
Maybe someday things will work out right for me after all.