Cat went down to see a show in San Antonio tonight with her adult son but she’ll be back tomorrow (assuming all goes well, knock on wood. With Texas highways, you can never be totally sure.)
She’s been really extra sweet to me all week. I actually talked to her on the phone for over 2 hours last night, which used to be extremely unusual for me.
I don’t know the reason for the apparent change in her behavior lately but she has been acting awfully girlfriendy towards me. Stuff like calling me when she’s on her way to class and then calling me again right when it’s over. It may be nothing and that’s what I’m assuming unless or until she tells me otherwise, which I don’t really see happening. We also have plans to see each other on Valentine’s Day but you know we’re only friends. Friends who normally only do things on the weekend but whatever.
I like it, though, quite a bit. I forgot how good it feels to have someone kinda prioritize you.
She’s already told me that she expects to be back early enough that she’ll want me to come over tomorrow (today.) I told her I would be fine with postponing until Sunday or later because I know going to San Antonio is exhausting, but she said she is really looking forward to seeing me.
I had kind of a tough day today otherwise, so that felt good. I got a couple of articles done and ran some errands but it didn’t feel like I did enough.
I had a talk with Dyl that didn’t go well. I’ve tried expressing a lot of appreciation for his cooking, even though it’s often not really my preference. I told him about my eating disorder seemingly getting worse, including the fact that I probably need to go inpatient somewhere but Medicare probably won’t cover it. I just basically pleaded with him to make a couple of meals I would like to eat. He can be as creative as he wants the rest of the time.
I don’t think I really got anywhere with him and I still ended up hurting his feelings. And then I talked with my mom and she was extremely and profoundly UNhelpful.
She basically told me that I can just put my foot down and take the kitchen back, and that’s all there should really be to it. And then she said that Dyl’s entitled behavior is something J and I created, so I shouldn’t be too surprised by it. (Hmm, she has also called him “entitled” once before. Which is her real opinion of him?)
And then she asked about Chloe and I mentioned that Chloe is kinda struggling with her job search and I don’t know much about it. She said I have every right to know. Whereas Chloe’s response to such questions from me is always that as long as she’s able to pay me rent and cover her car insurance, it’s not my business. I can’t see why I would disagree with her but my mom seemed to think it was disrespectful towards me.
And then my mom started in how Chloe not working is also our fault because we didn’t require more of her all along and we didn’t instill a good enough work ethic when she was younger. I was honestly extremely stunned by that. With everything Chloe’s been through since her early teens, I honestly felt like we’re all just lucky she’s even still here. Establishing a work ethic was kinda secondary, you know?
When J was diagnosed with cancer when Chloe graduated from high school (literally, he was taking his first ever chemo treatment that weekend), it seems pretty logical to me that it would make Chloe depressed. And then coming out as transgender after that complicated things as well, of course.
Hell, I think my honest reaction to my mom is just like how dare you?
I really felt like this absolutely came out of nowhere and I’m going to scale back on contact with my mom until she gets over whatever this is. THIS woman is also VERY familiar as my mom and she’s still extremely unsafe for my mental health. My real mom came back. I stupidly thought she was gone.
Right now, she has gone from being one of my biggest cheerleaders to being my most vocal critic. I also know that if I call her out on it, she will deny it and find a way to put it back on me.
I’m already questioning whether or not we handled things right with the way we raised the kids. I’m sure she knows that’s a very sore spot for me. And before today, she was full of praise about our parenting of the kids.
I don’t know which one is her real opinion, to be honest. Has she been lying this whole time about thinking we did a great job with the kids? Is this much more negative view of my parenting how she really feels?
But there’s also a timing issue. I am at about the lowest point I’ve been in. Why the fuck would you decide that this is an appropriate time to tell me what I should have done differently? Like there’s no way possible to fix it now, sorry but you failed. And here my mind goes to has she really been waiting for the opportunity to tell me I was a massive failure as a parent? Is it kind of like the ultimate “I told you so”?
This is the shit I grew up with, the thing that always made me doubt myself. But this time, I think I caught it in time and recognized it for the mindfuck it really was. We’ll see what I think of this after I’ve had some sleep but right now it’s pretty egregious to me. I feel like it was a complete mindfuck on so many levels. Which one is the truth?